My Wellness Boots
and here I am
standing in wellness
with a new word
flourishing
in this process of learning, growing, healing, discovering
expanding awareness
can this be real
how did this happen
how hard was this journey?
it was hard, really hard, but then, it began to become easier
do i have a kuleana, a responsibility, to share this remarkable feat?
or is this best left for the individual quester to do their own questing
are some simply destined to be pill takers, addicts, avoiders, cycle repeaters
and not engage with self-discovery, learning, healing
is that what they are here to learn? to discover what life is like living a lifetime of disconnect
from their own beautiful authentic self.
or, what?
what about the other side of the coin, those who are harmers, what is their story? what is their biology? are humans fundamentally cruel as much as they are fundamentally kind?
it has come so so so far, what experts know about trauma
but yet
there are so many gaping holes, so much incompetency, so much lack
of existing support, for others
for others with what is now known as ACES too High, stripped of all labels
like, what happened to you?
life experiences so gnarly, that one has to drive an hour away to
find someone
with the courage
to hold space
for the tough stuff
to hold space
as you puzzle out yourself using other modalities
healing, healing, healing
a 35 year quest
of
expanding awareness
awareness as a key
to change
positive change
until you stand in your wellness, your wholeness
and declare to be witnessed
I am
free at last
from the horrific suffering brought on by ACES too High
no more flashbacks
no more feeling sheer terror for months at a time
no more debilitating shame
no more nightmares
no more somatic pain that has no actual physical reason for existing
no more looking in the mirror, seeing yourself as fat, knowing you arenʻt
no more pills with side effects way worse than the symptoms of trauma illness
no more anniversary cruddy feelings
no more intrustive memories or thoughts
no more thought streams of negativity, swirling cess pools of lack
no more inability to communicate
no more fear of neighbors
no more paranoia
no more stress psychosis
no more distoted thinking
no more heightened startle responses
no more insomnia that goes on for days
no more binge eating
no more drinking ½ a bottle of wine a night
no more nicotene addiction
no more coffee addiction
no more Facebook and social media addiction
no more news network flipping
no more self-flagellation
no more profound learning disabilities
no more long lists of triggers
no more poor self esteem
no more self hatred
no more projecting onto others
no more need to be in therapy 3 times a week, then once a week, then once a month
no more need for therapy
no more many different parts and pieces, personalities
no more being numb, feeling numb
no more inability to quiet the mind
no more racing thoughts
no more feeling like I am not real
no more of all that stuff on the dissociative spectrum
no more big jolts of electricity through the body
no more impulses to be dead
no more fear of my birth name
no more fear of police and doctors
no more fear of my neighbors
no more fear of my own family
no more extended periods of depression and needing a lightbox
what remains
is heartache and grief
what remains is being highly sensitive and intuitive, and sometimes picking up energies of others that weigh me down, and the need to ground
what remains is not being able to be amidst huge crowds and large noises because of the hyper-sensitivity
Once one is opened up, by the incredibly creative response of the body to extraordinary experiences, those increcible survival mechanisms, once you are open, these sensitivities developed, to survive, they remain
what remains is being intensely creative, also a survival reaction buidling on innate gifts
what has been cultivated is a deep respect and reverence for life
what has been cultivated is a deep compassion for others
what has been cultivated is unlimited empathy
what has been cultivated is the capacity to sit with other peopleʻs stories, no matter how horrible, and hold space, for what seeks to be witnessed, because your life, well, you get it
what has been cultivated is a deep gratitude
what has been cultivated is a love for simplicity
what has been cultivated are strong boundaries
what has been cultivated is the capacity to communicate
what is healing, is the family fabric, the ancestral lineage, the wounds of history, as my own healing has rippled out
what has been cultivated is awareness, and the cycle of doing work that surfaces
what also remains is courage
and what blossoms
is great humility
a desire to flow less from ego, and to flow from heart, from compassion, from a higher sense and deeper sense of wisdom self, that is timeless, and connected to such splendor.
so much, so many gains, from so many losses.
I stand in my wellness boots, tall, and resilient
I unbuckle my belt of fix it things, no longer needing to fix anything
i simply accept myself, where I am now, warts and all
and say
thank you
thank you life
thank you
may each remaining breath hold a prayer of gratitude
for the miracle of the human body
the wonder of the soul
the amazing universe that has held this process
answered every question
and shown me how
how to heal
and
how to be kind
on this journey to throw out the deck I was dealt in life
remake it
and deal myself a new hand
a hand of resilency
a hand of health
a hand of freedom
to be
simply me
arriving at a place where
dogs love me
and children love me
this, for me, is success
to be loved by dogs
and to be loved by children
and so much more
in this grand interconnected cosmos
breathing in, and breathing out
so grateful, for this capacity
to remake this everything
and be
the change I wish for the world
p.s. the support, the universe has supported this journey. Everything Iʻve needed has come to me at exactly the right moment.