Declaration of Whole

My Wellness Boots


and here I am

standing in wellness

with a new word


in this process of learning, growing, healing, discovering

expanding awareness


can this be real

how did this happen

how hard was this journey?


it was hard, really hard, but then, it began to become easier


do i have a kuleana, a responsibility, to share this remarkable feat?

or is this best left for the individual quester to do their own questing


are some simply destined to be pill takers, addicts, avoiders, cycle repeaters 

and not engage with self-discovery, learning, healing

is that what they are here to learn? to discover what life is like living a lifetime of disconnect

from their own beautiful authentic self.


or, what?


what about the other side of the coin, those who are harmers, what is their story? what is their biology? are humans fundamentally cruel as much as they are fundamentally kind?


it has come so so so far, what experts know about trauma

but yet


there are so many gaping holes, so much incompetency, so much lack

of existing support, for others


for others with what is now known as ACES too High, stripped of all labels

like, what happened to you? 

life experiences so gnarly, that one has to drive an hour away to 

find someone

with the courage

to hold space

for the tough stuff

to hold space

as you puzzle out yourself using other modalities


healing, healing, healing

a 35 year quest




expanding awareness

awareness as a key

to change

positive change


until you stand in your wellness, your wholeness

and declare to be witnessed

I am 


free at last


from the horrific suffering brought on by ACES too High


no more flashbacks

no more feeling sheer terror for months at a time

no more debilitating shame

no more nightmares

no more somatic pain that has no actual physical reason for existing

no more looking in the mirror, seeing yourself as fat, knowing you arenʻt

no more pills with side effects way worse than the symptoms of trauma illness

no more anniversary cruddy feelings

no more intrustive memories or thoughts

no more thought streams of negativity, swirling cess pools of lack

no more inability to communicate

no more fear of neighbors

no more paranoia

no more stress psychosis

no more distoted thinking

no more heightened startle responses 

no more insomnia that goes on for days

no more binge eating

no more drinking ½ a bottle of wine a night

no more nicotene addiction

no more coffee addiction

no more Facebook and social media addiction

no more news network flipping

no more self-flagellation

no more profound learning disabilities

no more long lists of triggers

no more poor self esteem

no more self hatred

no more projecting onto others 

no more need to be in therapy 3 times a week, then once a week, then once a month

no more need for therapy

no more many different parts and pieces, personalities

no more being numb, feeling numb

no more inability to quiet the mind

no more racing thoughts

no more feeling like I am not real

no more of all that stuff on the dissociative spectrum

no more big jolts of electricity through the body

no more impulses to be dead

no more fear of my birth name

no more fear of police and doctors

no more fear of my neighbors

no more fear of my own family

no more extended periods of depression and needing a lightbox


what remains


is heartache and grief


what remains is being highly sensitive and intuitive, and sometimes picking up energies of others that weigh me down, and the need to ground


what remains is not being able to be amidst huge crowds and large noises because of the hyper-sensitivity


Once one is opened up, by the incredibly creative response of the body to extraordinary experiences, those increcible survival mechanisms, once you are open, these sensitivities developed, to survive, they remain


what remains is being intensely creative, also a survival reaction buidling on innate gifts


what has been cultivated is a deep respect and reverence for life

what has been cultivated is a deep compassion for others

what has been cultivated is unlimited empathy

what has been cultivated is the capacity to sit with other peopleʻs stories, no matter how horrible, and hold space, for what seeks to be witnessed, because your life, well, you get it

what has been cultivated is a deep gratitude

what has been cultivated is a love for simplicity

what has been cultivated are strong boundaries

what has been cultivated is the capacity to communicate


what is healing, is the family fabric, the ancestral lineage, the wounds of history, as my own healing has rippled out

what has been cultivated is awareness, and the cycle of doing work that surfaces


what also remains is courage

and what blossoms

is great humility


a desire to flow less from ego, and to flow from heart, from compassion, from a higher sense and deeper sense of wisdom self, that is timeless, and connected to such splendor.


so much, so many gains, from so many losses.


I stand in my wellness boots, tall, and resilient

I unbuckle my belt of fix it things, no longer needing to fix anything

i simply accept myself, where I am now, warts and all

and say 

thank you

thank you life

thank you


may each remaining breath hold a prayer of gratitude

for the miracle of the human body

the wonder of the soul

the amazing universe that has held this process

answered every question

and shown me how

how to heal


how to be kind


on this journey to throw out the deck I was dealt in life

remake it

and deal myself a new hand


a hand of resilency

a hand of health

a hand of freedom

to be 

simply me


arriving at a place where


dogs love me

and children love me


this, for me, is success


to be loved by dogs

and to be loved by children


and so much more


in this grand interconnected cosmos 


breathing in, and breathing out


so grateful, for this capacity


to remake this everything


and be 


the change I wish for the world


p.s. the support, the universe has supported this journey. Everything Iʻve needed has come to me at exactly the right moment.