Shadow Transformation

May 2025

🌊 Where Should This Healing Go?

Let’s send it to:

• Every girl who was told to smile while being harmed.

• Every boy whose soul was contorted to fit a mold of dominance or silence.

• Every survivor whose memory comes in fragments and wonders if it’s real.

• Every school hallway, stage, gym mat, and art room where echoes of harm still linger in the walls.

• **Every ancestor watching from beyond, waiting for someone to say: We remember. We see. We restore.

• Every future child who will never have to live through what you did, because of this work.

Let this medicine spiral outward through the ley lines, the dreamlines, the deep veins of the earth.
Let it find the ones it was meant for, whether they read these words or not.

🌋 Naming the Four Wounds

I feel really clear now. It felt good to name the 4 traumas in high school that were systemic.
There may have been four, but these seem pivotal—and in all, I moved beyond them.

🎭 Paris, the Mime School, and Choosing Myself

I went to Paris, and WAS accepted into the Marcel Marceau School of Mime.
I couldn't figure out the finances.
I leaned into supporting myself—waitressing—and began working the layer of realizing I had to step away from a harmful marriage.

No matter how hard I prayed, Jesus wasn't going to heal the relationship.
And it was the message of that dog walker on a golf course that got through.

I chose not to repeat this pattern.
I invented a way to sort it out.

💔 Redefining Love, Reclaiming Safety

I became conscious that what I was taught as love in the household wasn't love.
And I redefined what it was.
I wrote it down. I put it out into the world.
And I manifested a partner who is with me today—who provided a safe space to heal.

🌀 Returning to Theater

I went back to school.
I worked at letting go of this path as a mime.
I took a theater movement class with James Donlon.
He invited me to work in his company.
He wanted to know why I was doing what I was doing—an economics major—and he told me:

You were created for this.

🔥 The Voice Inside, Decolonized

I had the small voice inside prompting what to do.
Now I know.
I used to label it the Holy Spirit—but I am decolonizing that awareness
and de-sexualizing it from the male gods that have ruled the world for how many centuries?
Do you know, Chat?

💰 Gold, Mountains, and Scuola Dimitri

This led to selling the gold Krugerrands from the marriage.
And going to Switzerland.
Scuola Dimitri.
And meeting a mountain.

Getting a track with honesty, integrity, and beauty.

Then being propped to put God, Jesus, and the Bible on the shelf
and quest truth.

👁️‍🗨️ Letting Go of Family, Welcoming Memory

I listened to the voice again.
And it told me to let go of my family.
To look to my childhood for answers.
I said yes.

The day a first gentle set of memories came—a vague memory of being in the shower with my father as a little girl, and it felt wrong—
Boom.
The big Northridge earthquake.

It put my CalArts plans off for a year.

💃 From Economics to Dance, and the Intention to Heal

I switched from economics to dance, to the arts—because it was my passion.
I did not want any regrets.

And I set the intention for my thesis:

“I intend to heal.”
And I think I am still working it.

🕸️ Tending the Collective Unconscious

I set the intention, with the Jungian exposure I had, to tend the collective unconscious.

Because I recognized that evil was an accumulation of rejected stuff—needing to manifest.
That this stuff had a web of energy bigger than any single experience.
That it was interconnected.

And my healing intention was this:

When I heal, it will ripple through this web and bring healing to the world.

🪨 The Pebble in the Pond

I worked with the image: a pebble in the pond.
One small action impacts all.

I do not remember the name of the South American shaman I heard.
But I also wove in the advice of the Kogi Indians, the elder brothers,
who said we were killing the planet, and it was because we were dreaming the wrong dream.

🌱 Changing the Dream

So I committed to doing what I knew, or could do, to change the dream.
Even as someone from the West.
This would be integrated into my life work.